Proposal for an Assault Weapon Screening Form
My right to make this purchase is guaranteed by God, the founding fathers and the ghost of Charlton Heston, and if the law says any psycho off the street is allowed to buy an assault weapon, that means I get one too.
This firearm will only be used for the purpose of owning the libs, even though I've never met a liberal, except for my brother-in-law who's actually pretty cool, I guess.
I think I more-or-less understand the difference between a conscious human being and an NPC in “Call of Duty.”
Though this weapon makes me look tough, I'm actually such a wuss that I'm threatened by the very notion of any lifestyle that isn't confined to the limited borders of my comfort zone.
The thought of wielding this firearm makes me feel like an action hero, even though pretty much every movie about vigilante justice ends with the message that a real hero is one who is brave enough to end the cycle of violence.
This assault weapon is not outlawed because then only outlaws would own guns, and I'm not an outlaw and getting a gun should be super easy for everyone, including outlaws, because the easier it is to get guns, the easier it is to kill people with guns (but not schoolkids) because the more guns we have, the safer we'll be from gun violence which is why I shouldn't even have to fill out this form, because I'm totally not a psychopath, I just want a gun because I want to prevent gun deaths by killing people using my gun, because more guns on the street means fewer gun deaths, obviously. Stupid lib-tards.
I acknowledge that this purchase is a knee-jerk substitute for an actual understanding of a changing world which often conflicts with an upbringing that taught me that compassion and empathy are a sign of weakness, and if I have to be this way, why are other people allowed to have feelings?
I understand that what I really need, more than this firearm, is a good cry on the shoulder of someone who understands my pain, but that would leave me vulnerable to my inner demons of sexual inadequacy, so I'd rather just make this purchase.
Just because my father and I bonded over guns when I was a kid, this purchase is in no way a substitute for the genuine support and affection he has always withheld under the guise of 'toughening me up for the real world.'
Though this firearm is large, it is in no way a substitute for what Sally Whitman once called a 'tiny widdle wee-wee' when she caught me peeing in the hedges during recess.
When I wield this firearm, I actually become more dangerous to society than the forces which I perceive to be a threat to my livelihood, most of which are imaginary projections of my own insecurity.
Blasting this thing at an inanimate target may feel therapeutic, but until I unleash its power on the innocent, the world will never understand my true power. But I wouldn’t do that. Promise.
The fact that I'm even considering the purchase of an assault weapon is a sign of my mental instability, but when people see me holding it, they'll be too scared of me to probe into the specifics of my childhood trauma.
I understand that the frightened child who threatens my sense of power is cowering within my blackened soul, and is not an actual child in a school room.
My name, which will soon become synonymous with vengeance
Twitter handle where I post my unhinged ramblings
Nickname I was once taunted with by kids who will soon rue the day.
Thing go boom. make small hole very quick. very good. :)
hi
If someone ever tells you that "any psycho off the street is allowed to buy an assault weapon," they're fucking lying.
"If someone ever tells you that “any psycho off the street is allowed to buy an assault weapon,” they’re fucking lying."
Not quite yet, but the NRA is trying to close that loophole. Fingers crossed!
"Under no pretext should arms and ammunition be surrendered; any attempt to disarm the workers must be frustrated, by force if necessary"
Neo‐Liberal fascists are destroying the left. Remember kids all gun laws and gun control are intrinsically racist, fascist, sexist, homophobic, transphobic, and authoritarian. Because when fascist come knocking at your door how will you defend yourself and your loved ones? With a hashtag? Or a vote? Goodluck with that, because today a fascist has armed and trained himself with his rifle, did you arm and train today to defend yourself?
Fair point. The fact that so many people are so scared by limits on tools designed for mass slaughter does make me want to take up arms.
Easy satire made by "smart" person for other "smart" people like him, the millenial version of terrible political comics made by 80 year olds. An easy position to take with no downsides when everything is black and white and has no gradients and anything that might counter this position simply stops existing when I feel like it stops existing. The kind of person whose beliefs and worldview break down the moment he faces reality outside of his walled garden, if he ever does. A list of words that are simply meant to evoke a primal emotion rather than explain an argument. Worst of all, horribly unfunny and meandering by the structure alone.
You may think you're a unique little snowflake, but you're a true dime a million, stuck in a little box and incapable of serious discussion or reflection, only being able to parrot in different terms what others have invented before you. Whether or not this is an intrinsic failure on your part or the fault of those who've taught you, nobody knows, but either way you'll continue to make these lame unthoughtful posts for presumably the rest of your life, never being capable of anything truly unique and always walking in others shadows. No smug counter from anyone will change this for you.
Thanks for reading and responding, Hugh Jass (Just got that. Hilarious!) Glad to know it struck a nerve. Just hope you're not so riled up you go running into a school with an assault weapon.
Good list
The message of this (we need gun control) doesn't bother me but the arrogance does. If you come to a certain conclusion about a complex issue like gun control and also believe that everyone who didn't has all the qualities implied in the checklist, it doesn't reflect well on you. You must believe that it is impossible for you to have failed to consider something that those who disagree with you have. Considering yourself more intelligent than every member of a very large and diverse group of people (those who are against whatever particular gun control you support) seems very self-centered to me.
Nice list Josh! I came here after showing my daughter your incredibly insight-improving "If the Moon were only one pixel". Good to see you provide other interesting insights too.
Of course, where I am (Netherlands) this form is quite unneeded because no member of the public can buy an assault weapon, ever. These are reserved for the military and special police forces.
Which I guess to the poster above makes the Netherlands "intrinsically racist, fascist, sexist, homophobic, transphobic, and authoritarian". I would have thought the opposite. Maybe the poster above should visit gay pride in Amsterdam (august 1st to 6th). Without a gun, of course.
Cringe, ngl
'Gun free zones' are where all the violence happens. The countries with the worst oppression are the ones where people are disarmed and defenseless.
The real 'wusses' are the spineless people who refuse to take responsibility for their own safety and the safety of their loved ones. So they want everyone else to be equally vulnerable.
The 'tribe' knows it can't finish enslaving humanity while the USA exists, that's why they want to disarm the people. It will not happen.
Your other stuff seemed kinda cool, but this seemed kinda like a cringe narcissistic monologue from a privileged first world person who never had a responsible role model in their life. Do better.
Oh no! Did you cringe when you read some words that question the bizarre connection between gun culture and masculinity? Did it upset you to the point that you felt the need to personally insult the author? So sorry to have upset your delicate sensibility.